Hi everyone
So here i am again, haven't wrote in a few days been off work and cant get to a computer, im am at work at the moment and im so bored and feeling very hungry had quite a good few last days spent alot of time with my friends, they all came over the other night had a scary film sesh and a few drinking games, but that means lots of snacks and nibbles i did quite well but they like to check up on me so cant get away with turning down food all night. Im starting to get quite worried about the amount of calories i consume through drinking if anyones knows the stats please send them.
I still cant sleep having alot of trouble 'clearing my mind' my therapist suggested i should try meditation but its harder then it looks, shes is also getting me into letter writing to express the negative self-destructive feeling duno how much that will help, anyone has any other ideas let me no? maybe the medication is keeping me up i dno??
But yh on the whole these few past days have been a bit up and down, had a few arguments with people i live, this girls seems to have got it into her head that i slept with her bf, i mean fucking hell can a girl not have a conversation with a guy these days, and if she has a problem at least say it to my face not gossip about it girls are so bitchy sometimes, i dno i need to get out of this place its doing my head in...
charlotte xx
Wednesday, 17 November 2010
Sunday, 14 November 2010
first timer
Dear ??
I thought by doing this it might make me feel less alone in all this maybe it will help to talk to the vioces, try to understand it all ( sounds a bit messed up).
Guess i should say a little about myself im 19 years old and am currently coping with anorexia and depression, its strange i think iv been this way my whole life but i never really gave it a name, only recently i have actually admitted it to myself. I see a counsler once a week and take anti-depressants every day but i dont think it works the only thing thats makes me feel better is not eating.
i love skinnyness i love the feeling when you look at the scale and its dropped and when you can fit into smaller jeans. I love how strong you feel when you havn't eaten in days and you can feel the pain in you stomach and you know its working. Maybe im just screwed up feeling like that
Like i sed i think iv always been this way, but denyed it to myself. then it all came crashing back theese past few months. It started when i fell pregnant and i realised i had to eat it was one of the hardest things, i wanted to protect my baby but hated myself for doing it everything changed and suddenly i wasnt only hurting myself but my baby too. so i tried to recovery, i did so well, but then i had a late misscarraige at 5 and a half months it was the worst day of my life and i dont think il ever let it go, going into hospital to give birth to my dead baby and then the funeral it all happened so fast.
I miss my baby so much and now im left alone and revolting, i need to change but dont know how, its like a battle of tiny vioces in my head getting louder and louder everyday and i cant decide which ones to listen to and which ones i shouldnt, im just so confused... am i doing this to myself or are some of us just programmed to think this way???
anyway sorry for rambling lol
height: 5'5
CW: 119lbs
GW:?? just smaller
I thought by doing this it might make me feel less alone in all this maybe it will help to talk to the vioces, try to understand it all ( sounds a bit messed up).
Guess i should say a little about myself im 19 years old and am currently coping with anorexia and depression, its strange i think iv been this way my whole life but i never really gave it a name, only recently i have actually admitted it to myself. I see a counsler once a week and take anti-depressants every day but i dont think it works the only thing thats makes me feel better is not eating.
i love skinnyness i love the feeling when you look at the scale and its dropped and when you can fit into smaller jeans. I love how strong you feel when you havn't eaten in days and you can feel the pain in you stomach and you know its working. Maybe im just screwed up feeling like that
Like i sed i think iv always been this way, but denyed it to myself. then it all came crashing back theese past few months. It started when i fell pregnant and i realised i had to eat it was one of the hardest things, i wanted to protect my baby but hated myself for doing it everything changed and suddenly i wasnt only hurting myself but my baby too. so i tried to recovery, i did so well, but then i had a late misscarraige at 5 and a half months it was the worst day of my life and i dont think il ever let it go, going into hospital to give birth to my dead baby and then the funeral it all happened so fast.
I miss my baby so much and now im left alone and revolting, i need to change but dont know how, its like a battle of tiny vioces in my head getting louder and louder everyday and i cant decide which ones to listen to and which ones i shouldnt, im just so confused... am i doing this to myself or are some of us just programmed to think this way???
anyway sorry for rambling lol
Charlotte xx
height: 5'5
CW: 119lbs
GW:?? just smaller
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